


The Perils of Online Dating, As Explored by CG and GC

by captainRochol



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Adultery, Courtroom Drama, F/M, Humanstuck, Murder, Online Relationship, Relationship Confusion, datING SOMEONE ONLINE AND NOT KNOWING YOU LIVE RIGHT NEXT TO THEM, kind of hahahaha
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-10-03
Updated: 2013-10-02
Packaged: 2017-12-28 06:57:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/989082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captainRochol/pseuds/captainRochol
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat Vantas and Terezi Pyrope are like any other couple; they talk, they laugh, they love each other. Except they've never met, they don't know what the other looks like, and they don't even know each other's real name. </p><p> They met online in a chatroom and fell in love, all the while unknowing they lived in opposite sides of a townhouse in New York City. And the only thing that lets them meet is a murder case. </p><p>A romcom in four parts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Perils of Online Dating, As Explored by CG and GC

gallowsCalibrator [GC] began messaging carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 13:06! 

GC: H3Y CG!

CG: OH HEY

CG: DIDNT YOU SAID YOU WOULDNT BE ON TODAY?

GC: Y34H, BUT 1 M4N4G3D TO CONV1NC3 MY BOSS TO L3T M3 OFF WORK 34RLY >:]o

CG: WELL THAT WAS PRETTY NICE OF HIM

GC: >:P

GC: 4NYW4Y

GC: YOU R3M3MB3R WH4T D4Y 1T 1S, R1GHT?

CG: OF COURSE I DO, DUMBASS

CG: ITS OUR ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY

GC: TH4T 1S CORR3CT!

GC: 1N HONOR OF TH1S MOM3NTOUS OCC4S1ON...

GC: 1 S4Y W3 DO 4 VO1C3 C4LL!

CG: REALLY?

CG: YOU MEAN IT?

GC: OF COURS3 1 DO!

CG: WOW UH... ALRIGHT

CG: JUST GIVE ME A MOMENT OKAY?

CG: IVE HAD A LONG DAY AND I NEED A MOMENT TO PREPARE

GC: OK444444Y

\--- [CG] is now idle! ---

GC: OK4Y BUT HURRY B4CK >:]

You pick up your headset, pulling it on. It fits snugly and you crack your fingers, waiting for CG to get back.

You unwrap a lone, cherry Jolly Rancher that's been sitting on your desk for a while and pop it into your mouth. You savor the simultaneously sweet and tart flavor of the artificial fruit and spin around in your rolly chair, sighing.

This is ridiculous. CG is taking way too long to get online. You check your messaging system again.

GC: CG!

GC: WH3R3 ON 34RTH 4R3 YOU?

\--- [CG] is idle! ---

GC: 4444RGH!

GC: >:[

\--- [CG] is idle! ---

\--- All messages sent to [CG] will be seen when [CG] returns! ---

GC: 1 KNOW!

GC: >:[

GC: 1M GO1NG TO T4K3 4 P1SS

\--- [CG] is idle! ---

GC: 44URGH!!

\--- [GC] is now away! ---

You stand up, frowning as you make your way across your bedroom. You know your way around your side of the townhouse well enough to get around without your cane, and so you head towards the bathroom without further ado.

You take a quick leak, then head back over to your computer, just as it starts to ping again.

\--- [CG] is now online! ---

CG: OKAY IM READY

CG: GC?

CG: OH WAIT. YOU WENT TO PEE.

CG: OKAY

\--- [GC] is now online! ---

GC: H3Y

GC: 1 H4V3 OFF1C14LLY R3TURN3D

CG: GOOD

CG: LETS GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD

\--- Incoming voice call from carcinoGeneticist [CG] ---

You click the "accept" button and smile as the familiar crackle of static hits your ears before CG starts to talk.

"GC? You there?" he asks, voice gruff and deep. You smile before answering.

"No, I just picked up and walked off." you reply, grinning. He lets out a sigh, but you can hear the smile in it.

"Well, uh. Happy anniversary." he says, a bit awkwardly. You grin more broadly.

"Happy anniversary to you too, CG!" you exclaim, "I can't believe that it's actually been a whole year!"

"Me neither," he says softly, then hesitates. "Hey..."

"Hm?"

"Do you think... we could maybe meet sometime soon?" You stop what you're doing immediately and stare at the computer screen. 

"Uh----"

"I mean," he quickly backtracks, "we don't have to! But I want to see your face, so maybe we could do just a video call one day...?"

"I... I'll think about it," you say slowly, your stomach twisting violently. To be honest, you've wanted to meet CG in person for a while now, or to see his face, or to even know his real name! You're not sure why you haven't let him meet you or see your face yet; you guess you're just nervous.

"Okay, uh. Maybe you could tell me what city you live in? So we know if it's realistic to meet..."

"I live in NYC," you say, cracking the Jolly Rancher between your molars. He spits something out on the other line, sounding like he choked on a beverage.

"You're shitting me, right?" he asks incredulously. "I live there too!" You choke on your candy, spitting red shards all over the desk.

This is quickly becoming too overwhelming. 

You jump as your phone rings, letting out a small screech. You fumble through the messy piles of paperwork on your desk for your mobile and sigh when you finally find it in a manilla folder. You check the caller ID and groan when you see who it is: your boss.

"Hang on, CG. My boss is calling," you grumble. He stutters out an okay before you put him on hold and answer your phone.

"Terezi!" your boss yells in your ear. You rub your temples, sighing loudly.

"What do you need?" you ask wearily. Apparently asking for one afternoon off so you could be with your boyfriend is too much to ask.

"You need to come in right away -- there's a case you really need to take." he says hurriedly.

"Do I have to?" you ask, eyeing the chat client on your computer. CG is probably wondering what's taking so long.

"Yes! I even saved it just for you, Pyrope," he grumbles. You frown.

"What kind of case is it, exactly...?"

"First degree murder," he says, sighing. "Defendant's name is Gamzee Makara." You let out a whistle. You've been tracing Gamzee Makara for a while; he has a record a mile long, but knows exactly how to manipulate the court to get off the hook every time.

But not this time.

"Wanna take the case, counselor?"

You grin.

"Of course I do."

»̶✽«̶

You hurry down to the prosecutor's office after wrapping things up with CG.

He completely understood and even said he had to go as well. 

You hurry up to your office, set your briefcase down and go to the main area. Your boss is already pinning up pictures on the case bulletin board, and you stand back, eyeing each of them.

The first is Gamzee Makara's. He's ugly as sin; his face is covered in greasy juggalo makeup, which conceals three long scars across his flesh. His eyes are lidded and red tinged, and his dark hair is a rat's nest. You wrinkle your nose at the mugshot and turn your attention to the first victim's photo.

The headshot was pulled from a licence so it's not the best quality, but you can still see her. She's a cute Korean girl with short dark hair topped with a cat hat. She looks happy, so it's a shame when your eyes flit to the picture below to see her beaten and bloody corpse.

Your eyes go to the second victim's photo. His eyes are covered by dark, slightly cracked sunglasses, and his sun-kissed face is framed by long black hair. You study the picture of him in the dumpster, where his body found; his face is blue, and there's are bruises around his neck.

"You're later than I'd expect you, Pyrope," your boss says from behind you, and you jump slightly. You turn to face him, and grin. 

"Sorry. I was kinda in the middle of something."

"Nevermind that. Let me tell you what happened." He strides up to the board and taps the picture of the Korean girl.

"Victim one: Nepeta Leijon. Her body was found at five in the morning, beaten to a pulp. It was hardly recognizable, and we wouldn't've even known it was her if she hadn't had her ID on her," he says, then taps the second one. "Victim two: Equius Zahhak. Supposedly Nepeta's boyfriend. His body was found at six, shortly after the police arrived. He was in the dumpster, and had clearly been strangled, right?" You nod, frowning.

"But that's odd..." you murmur. Even from the dumpster shot, you can see Zahhak's large muscles.

"Isn't it? He was a body builder. He should've easily been able to throw a twig like Makara off of him. But he was weakened. Makara shattered his kneecaps before strangling the poor guy." You wince.

"Damn."

"Exactly. But this case is in the bag, Pyrope. Makara, the bumbling idiot, left the murder weapon at the scene, and his fingerprints are not only all over it, but all over Zahhak's neck." He smirks smugly, and you can't help but grin.

"And our witnesses?"

"Golden. We've got two; Makara's best friend, and the poor sap who found Leijon and Zahhak's bodies."

"When do I get to grill them?" you ask, reaching for the manilla folder chief is holding labeled "WITNESSES". He lets you take it, ad you flip it open.

The first picture is of a dark skinned woman. The name is Kanaya Maryam, and it says she discovered Nepeta's body while going to meet her wife for breakfast. You study it before flipping the page and looking at the second one.

A picture of a Latino boy is pasted in, the name Karkat Vantas printed underneath it neatly. He was Gamzee's best friend, and called the police when Makara came to his house covered in blood and bits of grey matter. 

"Now, if you want," he answers as you study the pictures.

"Alright. I'll take Miss Maryam first."

»̶✽«̶

You walk into the interrogation room, setting a folder down on the table. You gently shut the door behind you and sit across from one Kanaya Maryam. You extend your hand to her.

"Hello, Miss Maryam. I'm Miss Pyrope, the prosecutor for this case," you say, smiling at her. She gently shakes your hand, offering you a small smile.

"I'm just going to ask you a few questions about what you saw," you say, opening the folder and clicking the pen. She nods, looking a bit nervous.

"So, what did you see?"

"Well, I was walking to my favorite restaurant to meet my wife for breakfast; our office opens quite early, so we must dine early as well. I suddenly smelled something rotting. I stopped walking immediately and glanced into the alleyway near me and saw---" she fumbles a bit here, "---a girl lying on the ground. Or at least, I assumed it was a woman. She had on some very feminine shoes so..." You nod, jotting this all down.

"Did you know either of the victims?" She shakes her head.

"Unfortunately, I don't... I wasn't even aware there were two victims until the police showed up." You quirk a brow.

"Really? Why is that?"

"Well, the second victim, Mr. Zahhak, I believe... his body was in *the dumpster, and the lid was down. I didn't think to check in there, not while a young woman was lying dead in front of me." You nod in understanding. That makes sense. You stand.

"Thank you for your time, Miss Maryam," you say, smiling at her. "We'll be in touch." With that, you leave.

»̶✽«̶

You visit Karkat Vantas next.

You walk in, setting the folder on the table. His tan face is tear-streaked and you sit across from him. You introduce yourself the same way you did to Kanaya, and gently shake his hand.

"Why don't you start by telling me about what happened?" you ask gently. He nods and sniffles before starting to talk.

"Gamzee usually crashes at my place... his own apartment is really trashy, and I can usually keep him out of trouble," he starts. "He went out around one. I was still up, working on grading papers. He said he wanted some coconut cream pie -- he loves that shit. I asked him if he had taken his meds, and since he said he had, I let him go." You can tell he blames himself for this. You give him a sympathetic nod, and gesture for him to continue.

"He came home around five, and -- fuck. He was covered in blood and little bits of grey, and he was just grinning and grinning and -- I had to call the police --" his eyes water, and you set your pen down.

"It's alright. Take a deep breath." you say, waiting for him to calm down. He takes a few deep breaths, and nods.

"And that's it." he concludes. You nod slowly, your eyes lingering on him. You feel like he's hiding something.

"You're hiding something." you say bluntly, and he flinches.

"No, I'm not." he says, staring at you. You sigh; you can tell he's intimidated, scared by you.

"Listen... this is... rather unconventional, but. How about we talk about this over lunch?" you offer softly. "I won't take notes. You don't even have to talk about this at all! I just don't want you to be scared."

He hesitates before nodding.

"Okay," he says quietly. "When?" You smile.

"Tomorrow evening. We'll meet in... oh..." you think for a moment. "Hard Rock Cafe?" He looks a bit surprised, then nods.

"Okay." You stand, and smile at him.

"I'll see you then, Mr. Vantas."


End file.
